Baking Dreams

I have been feeling suicidal for many, many, months.

Crying the self to sleep almost daily. Eating habits out of whack. In the past two years I've lost a lot of weight, and then gained it back in the most demoralizing fashion. Work is thoroughly exhausting; am almost not coping. Some mornings I wake up, and it's like there's no reason to live anymore.

(I don't think I will actually die, but the depression's overwhelming.

I am a teacher now. Everyday I deal with the kids - their problems, their issues, their families. I hear them out, encourage them, help them in school, and tell them how they've got so much to give. We counsel people, inspire them, show them the things of the world. But as Teachers, we're not allowed to be depressed. We're not allowed to be weak. We're not allowed to fail or falter. Not allowed to complain how hard it is. We must always be strong, always be others' pillar of support, always be willing to give ourselves to others who're troubled and in need. But who will look after us when we are down or depressed?

No one.

I can't tell anyone the truth.

I can't verbalize the pain. I can't tell my colleagues, my family, my friends. I've hinted to my BFF that I feel like dying on gchat, and i mostly receive 'awwws' and 'hugs' in a slightly comforting manner. Yet the trap of my deranged mind prevails. The paralysis is awful.

There is nothing that hurts you so much as your secrets.

Sometimes it feels like I can just die alone in my apartment and no one would notice. My work would just hire another person. My father or brothers wouldn't give much of a damn. My mother never loved me anyway, so she wouldn't give two hoots if i were dead or alive.

I've asked God to bring me out. He's assured me many times, he will bring forth healing, the future will be better, and that I will always be a child of God. By His Grace, I have been given the gift of tongues and gift of visions, for which I am grateful for.

So many critical decisions to make. I can't make them, for I can't bear the responsibility if something goes wrong.

So I'm crying out to God, in prayer.


Dear Father,
I need you. I acknowledged I have sinned against you for trying overly hard to direct my own life, without resting in your providence. I thank you that you have forgiven my sins through Christ's death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as you commanded me to be filled, and as you promised in your Word, that you would do it if i asked in faith. I pray this all in the name of Jesus. As an expression of my faith, I thank you for directing my life and for filling me with the Holy Spirit.
Amen.